Beyond Threshold

Directly to the point. I can feel the atmosphere gagging me. I am down but not out yet. Its been this way for a while now. Those who are really close to me, know exactly what I am speaking about. Sometimes I wonder, if my mother feels the same way with what she does. How do my friends manage to go on and on everyday?

It isnt fun any longer to do things differently. I am running out of steam. But this aint the worst bit. I dont see a way out. I have also not been doing anything to consider options that I might have. I've stopped growing. I feel like I am on the verge of being pushed over.

As robert Neville says," If there is some motivation out there, somewhere, anywhere,... your not alone.... I can provide you with solace, wisdom & all the routine brag:)"

Peace be the journey

Lyinghonestly - Returns

Its been a while... I know... I probably undermined by saying while. So here I am, to all my invisible followers. Actually as per an artcile in About.com on stress Management, its good to journalize your day to day activities. However, I dont fit in the list of those who manage to get their butt whipped for not manufacturing articles. however(2) I managed to get my butt whipped today at work. More on that later, though I am tempted to share that here.

Lot of developments at my end since I last posted. Yes, ther was the new year. It was more than just eventful for me. Not that I was among those who got sloshed or bamboo'd by the cops or who fell in the gutter on his way back home. While most of them whould sit down wondering what their New Year Resolution could be, I was working my way to recovery after a doze of food poisioning. Felt glad though (not the food poisioning part) that I was amongst my friends (those good ones) some of whom I will mention in the following paragraphs. Also a milestone for me or for us, was some new development on the wedding front. Lucky for us, it was relatively smooth (Fingerscrossed: for longetivity of smoothness- sounds gross).

*Scratching head, whilst I recollect the sequence of events*. January was a huge setback. The chain of events that followed dint quite indicate a good year. First there was the honest confession of our beleagured CEO. Around Sankranthi, Grandmother suffered from an illness that brought the family together. Doctors were not confident of her recovery. However (3); some good prayers from the good samaritans, not to mention her strong will, she managed to regain her health (Fingerscrossed again). The month of January was pleasant as far as my psychological health was concerned. I used to get this weird feeling of hyper vigility & awareness. Pretty soon, I became aware that I was suffering from anxiety disorder. I used to sleep light & eventually resorted to sleeping pills. On a Friday evening, after returning home early, hoping to deepen the legacy, i saw my grandmoms pulse dip. As I saw that, I could feel something inside sink. It was not a comfortable feeling. When the ambulance arrived, things got worse. The tension at home built up. Dad, grandpa & my uncles were unsettled. And to add to their woes, I had a panic attack. Not the best of feeling let me tell you. Its like standing at one place & your heart beats like you've just done a marathon.

February was about anti- depressants, morning walks, soccer at work & spending time at home. Grandmom was making good progress. She managed to move around with some assistance. Watching her, I knew I had a lot to learn. March, was uneventful as far as I can recall. My grandmom gave me rs 500 on my 25th birthday. I conserved that for I was not sure of the uncertain future. Had a good time that evening with friends at Seventh Heaven.

April was dull. I noticed I had grown close to bud Ujwal. With the developments in the company, I wasnt quite sure where we were heading. The idea of switching did occur, but I wanted to stay with the company in this rough patch. Yeah , yeah. It was that phase where everyone would ask, hows yoru company doing... that was some scoking revealation... More on the positive side, I got to make good profit thru' trading :). I got my bonus for completing 3.5 years, got an oppurtunity to facilitate the process of improving competitivenes etc etc.

May, was a mixture. I experience heights of ecstasy along with the nadirs of desolation. May 28th was our engagement. I was excited. Lots of relatives, some fun. But towards the end, the happiness, guests & excitement got to my weak hearted grandmother. She sat there throught the function, looking at us, smiling. And we enjoyed each others company, greeting everyone, acknowledging their wishes. In the midst of it all, she suffered a massive heart attack.

June, another mixed bag. Work managed to keep me busy. Also signed on for M.S. programme in Consultancy Management, to ensure continuous value addition to my existing profile. It isnt a substitute to my MBA ambition (fingers crossed -3). Only something for me to get an insight on & to gain good cross functional exposure (thru case studies; on-job learning). Also, my very close pal, Da-mit , got married. So this B-atya. Yes, more like the My Best Friends Wedding. It was good to see them tie the knot. Well he was the last person I expected in our group to get married. It went the other way round. Ku-jwal, had given his resignation. Frustration managed to find its way in. And the treatment he received from the management for all his relentless services were not encouraging either. Plus to add to the above, his health was taking a toll. I did what I could to help him and Ka-ala. It was not a good feeling to watch him suffer. All the stress he put himself thru' managed to accumulate in his lower back. I managed to help them for I was indebted to him. For the many ways he made himself available to me. He always had time for me, leaving that personal touch. I always told myself, anything for him. And I mean anything. His absensce in office, left a deep pocket space. I knew that I wouldnt come across him as frequently as I used to. I will no longer have a partner in crime, to make fun of the earthlings that we come across.

June slowly faded into July. And yet another hallmark wedding. Mr Bsh-win Bain. By now, I got the impression, that everyone around me were moving at a much brisker pace that I was. I was part of the barath that visited Vijaywada. Hes a good "earthling". And he is lucky to have another good "earthling" as his spouse, who apparently shares the same name (different spelling) as Ms. B'lore. Following the wedding, work managed to be tough. Deadlines began squeezing me & I just couldnt evade or delegate my work. Not even for a cup of tea, or for a walk, or to take a call, to send Friday Legacy or to say hello to Ms. Blore. Morning walks became a distant routine. Sundays were most awaited for. Used to spend 3 hours early morning playing some good cricket. Like Tyreese Gibsons says, "Once I step on the the field, I 've got 3 hours to find out, who I am". This is one game that I enjoy giving my 100%. Had my orientation on 23rs July. Programme sounded very interesting. I knew I was going to enjoy it. But I was aware it is going to be quite a challenge and that Finance is going to haunt me yet again.

August mainly revolved around work. There were times when I could see my anxiety attacks coming back. I would resort to quick breathing techniques to calm myself. The news was out in the company, the new management and board are sterring the company to new milestones. Got first hand exposure to change management. Grandmom, was not herself after her last ailment. There were very little hopes of her being what she was. For all those who know her, as someone who could surprise you with her nature, her illness has pulled her into a state of disorientation. Shes need support to move around, she has troubles remembering relatives, she is no longer her talkative self. What the heart attack dint take away from her, is her temperament. She still is as determined as she used to be. She may have forgotten all that she has done in the past or what happened to her. But her strong will & ability to fight, are few traits that amazes me. One evening, she tells me that she wants to walk around. I had my doubts if she could do that, for she has been moving around in a wheel chair. She said, "All I need is your support & your motivation, and I will begin to walk again". Those words made me cry. I would sit back, later in the evening, introspecting, all the not very positive things that I've shared with her. I had a troubled childhood as far as my health was concerned. Mom and grandma used to do shifts to ensure that I'd sleep peacefully. When Mom was in Bombay to attend to younger bro, my grandmom ensured that all my needs were met & fulfilled. To the extent that I'd call her "amma". I used to snap at her for small things that she used to be very particular about and come after me with them. There were times when I'd ignore her requests to complete my list of priorities. And today, I sit back. Wondering, if there was an "undo" option. Life & time are patented & right protected. Something that Einstein or Elvis cant alter. I'm sure they'd agree.

Need to get back to my regular chores. Will continue posting later... Assure you that there is more....

Will be back!!!

I know my blog has been devoid of my posts for a couple of months now. I shall continue o lie honestly soon!!!!!

The October Sky

Being part of a secular discipline does have its advantages. You get to enjoy all the festivals and the festivities that come along. Lots of holidays. You dont have to wake up early like other week days. There is always something special being prepared & it so often tickles those sensitive senses. There are those text messages that fill your inbox & you store them even if you have no space.

This year, doesnt promise to be different for me. Its Diwali, which means, 2 more months and we are already into 2009. I sit down now, gazing at the October Sky. Which isnt short on decoration. Sometimes with shooting stars, sometimes with sparks & ever so colourful. Office premises wore a deserted look. The streets looked busy and so did the shopping mall. For its the eve of Diwali.

Tomorrow, there is going be lots of phone calls, loads of text messages, friends and relatives drop by, doing what they do every year. Its not hard to believe when one says that we dont need an occassion to wish & greet loved ones. For few, the whole world starts rotating anti-clockwise. Yes, one sees a lot of running around, cleaning, a lot of hue & cry to ensure everything falls in place. Exchanging delicacies- sometimes purchased however mostly, a lot of planning & efforts go in preparing the delicacies.

Towards evening, families get together, performing rituals, lighting divas & wishing that the festival brings upon prosperity & happiness. And may it stay that way. For sometime, no one is concerned about the global meltdown, or the sensex crashing to a record low or how much bloodshed theres been this year. Everyone is busy lighting up each others lives with lamps and fireworks.

I sit down, asking myself,"What do you want this Diwali?". And then there are those flashbacks of a fool. A Suzuki Swift? Well not so sure. "How about the new Honda City?". I can think about it. "Hmmm.... An Audi?". Well thats a definite may be. For me, right now, its all about breaking the pattern. May be I want to be the alpha male this season. May be I want a season with Dr House. How about James Bond and that doze of solace. Well since this festival is about lights, I guess I could do with some myself. Thats enlightening already. Nothing wrong in asking for some prosperity, which is interlinked to happiness. I may have overstepped a bit in asking for too much. But hey, everyone expects me to lie honestly!!!! Happy Diwali.

The Neville Theory

Neville got a lot of things right about the then ruling Indian government back in 1962, when India and China went into war with each other. Almost half a century since, the Incredible Indian government seem to care or understand nothing about Indian integrity.

Singh may have proved himself to be a King. But does the country doesnt need a king? Tell you what, the government needs a pair of balls & a medium to keep them tight and close to each other. Theres been so much hue & cry with regards to the nuclear deal. Now things have been pretty obvious from some of our long lost Panchasheel brothers. The Chineese supposedly are very good face changing artists, And so they are. Its about time that we dont soar high with the nuclear deal. I mean I love Chineese food, I love to watch chineese movies and Jackie Chan. But i dont want to take communist shit. Specially when we are the only country thats got neighbours who are breathing down our neck. Pakistan has always been a threat, Bangladesh is harbouring terrorism, Sri Lanka hav their own set of problems with the Tamil Tigers, Nepal has resurrected their new government- thngs however seem uncertain. Last thing we need is for everyone to think that they can do anything and get away with it- lik forever.

All that the UPA government care is to come to power, with the elections due next year. Thanks to a peasant friendly budget and the just in time "N" Thing. Chineese government claimed that Arunachal Pradesh is not a part of India & that they dont follow the McMahon Line, but actually are ok with the LAC. Our UPA government decided to take the shit, kyun ki kichad mein patar fekne se kheechad khud pe ghirta hain. Lyinghonestly says "Dude, Pakistani general has a pair of balls to send a message to the US Troops, that they will be fired upon for any incursion that they make into Pakistan. Which means, if the US Marines want to pea on Pakistani soil, they might lose their winky. Unfortunately it looks like our government doesnt have one".

Our friend Mr Karat, is such a strong supporter of his comrades, will not speak against any maoist moves. Infact the great Mao, who supposedly is a fragment of his imagination, helps him dream and supplies him with enough testosterone to say blah blah before the lens. F*** the Congress and their Allies. Lying honestly is not a staunch supporter of the BJP and their allies. What we need is a government that doesnt let anyone to take the country for granted. Well pigs cant fly but one can be amazed what underdogs are capable of. Remember the David & Goliath story!!!

Google has a new story?

Folks, google seems to have changed their logo. Not sure how authentic my information is or if its just one of their beta versions. Sounds like some marketing teasser that they are upto. Something that works on similiar lines to WILLS tobacco. This might attract some speculation, however, for the time being, Google, probably wants us to play the waiting game. Well two can play that.

Purani Jeans Aur Guitar

Life seems less ordinary. Same old drive on the same old road, until, some force decided to shift gears and change directions. Soon, I was engaged in driving amongst familiar faces, familiar landmarks & monuments. And as I drive down the memory lane, the college gates opened, refreshing & reviving every moment of those four years. I was staring at my college, which welcomed me with arms wide open. Nothing seemed to have changed, except for myself. I sighed, those were the days.

I went to the foyer of our magnificent college, which carried a pose of a Greek temple, where we used to sit & listen to radio & sing along with every song we’d know. I saw the old arcade where I blew every rupee I made. Deep within me, my emotions were stirring me as I started to feel big & warm inside. I reached a shady corner under a tree where I’d bunk class, smoke with my friends, throw stones, while away my time & mock our professors. I sighed, those were the days.

I walked out to the bus stop where we’d sit and look at the planes in the sky on some occasions & girls on most of the other occasions; where we got ragged & where our seniors helped us speak to the girl who we felt was the most beautiful girl. I walked into the library, raking my memory when I would sit down to complete my assignments. I peeped through the front door of my classroom, where I saw the picture of my friends I was looking for. I sat on my desk where I found so many scripted notes that came in handy during our exams; exams, when we would get together to do combined studies, but gossip more about celebrities, lifestyle, movies, our ambitions, career; our career, not knowing where it would take us. I smiled & greeted every professor, who were responsible to bring me where I am. I sighed, those were the days.

So far away, I had been far away from here too long. And now it was time for me to get back to my busy present & long working hours. I missed those days, those faces. Those discussions about trivial issues, about girls, about what to wear in a party, about college festivals. They can’t be erased or replaced. This time, this place, there were so many misused mistakes, too long, too late. These memories will keep flashing and put a smile on my face. I braced myself and headed away from college & memories, when suddenly I stopped & turned around; because turning around is all I can do.