The last thread
It happened yesterday. When I got the result in the evening before leaving for Adlabs to watch "Indiana Jones". I received a message from my friend that the results were out. Funny, I had a weird dream about the same that morning. I wasnt a bad dream though. I dint want to check the results immediately. Wanted to live with the anxiety. Wanted to let the feeling sink in. Thought I would watch some tv, stick to my time-table, visit the temple and then check my result just before leaving for the movie, so that no mater what the outcome is, it would blen in when I am watching the movie. Yes, quite a plan.
I spoke to my aunt. She asked my about the results. It was like everything, everyone around wanted me to check the result. Got an SMS from the institute informing me that the results were out. Received a mail informing me on the same. However, I was determined not to check the results until evening. Now I must admit, all day, it was on my mind. I was asking myself, "What could the outcome be like?", "What if I dont make it through? Would it mean I am so not meant for this?", "What if I made it? Would I go in for resignation? ","What if I dont make it? I informed my reporting manager that I was heading for an interview to make it to a B-School. I would be so clueless if it dint work out". And a whole lot of mixed emotions. I recollected the moment when my dad walked in and asked me 3-4 days prior to 31st May, " Beta when are Welingkar results expected to be out? Are you going to take it should you make it through?" I dint answer. I simply dismissed him sayin,"We'll see dad". I know I wasnt being honest to him. Deep down, I wanted that admission. I was desperate. Desperate for a change.
I was mentally preparing myself. Some part of me kept telling me, that I would make it. I would try hard to dismiss that feeling. But it kept coming back. I stuck to 1 hour of my timetable. Worked on BRM's for geometry and Mensuration. Spent an hour washing the car. Dropped my mom at a function, visited the temple. Clock was ticking. It was already 10 minutes to eight. I was in front of the monitor. Wanted to delay the moment as far as possible. The anxiety was rushing in. Continued delaying by checking my email, Orkut and more email.
I logged on to the site. Opened the tab for the results. Punched in my user id and DOB. Clicked. Anxiety reached its peak, I was intentionally delaying the outcome by reading the instructions in the page. The page navigated to the next page. In a couple of seconds, I could feel my pulse slow down. It was another reject. I had not converted my call to the WE School. I sit there for a while, trying to get to fit into reality. It was hard to absorb. I was disappointed. I checked the result again, thinking I may have punched in the wrong key. Result was the same. I was down. I walked out, to watch television. It was the second semifinal of DLF-IPL between Punjab and Chennai. That was not on my mind though.
Now. I was lost. I dint have a plan. Everything was vague. My current job was not challenging. I was not growing or learning. I felt like I dint know where to head. I knew that whatever the outcome be, the path would be tough. And I would need a lot of strength. Loads of it. Now, I feel I will need a lot more than what I anticipated. If I had to repeat the entire process of admission just to prepare for the exam in November this year, I knew I had to be different. I had to be different from what I have been, what I have done. I have to bring a lot of changes & changes for the better to bring in that one change that I am desperate for. To bring this desperation to being a need. I knew to work for this "I had to change first". It has all been so easy for me. I will have to work like I have never before. I have 5 months from here. I need to make the best out of these. I need a plan. Plan with sufficient research and resources. I will have to work on a fine one. Build a process such that I will benefit myself in both ways, my career as well as my ambitions. I dint want this to be a Road to Perdition. I have never experienced frustration like this. Walking out of this by simply ignoring would mean I have simply opted the easy way out. Which would mean, that I am throwin away the oppurtunity to learn more. To experience the pain in changing myself. To evolve and to grow. Should I walk out of this again, and walk out successfully, I will be different. I will have to change a lot of things. My time management, resist temptation, remain focussed, be relentless, persevere, be assiduous and learn to relax.
For now, I am dissappointed. I need to start somewhere. Be different. I have a personal life as well to focus on. There is another person who depends on me. I need to work along with her and ensure things dont go sour through this phase. I need strength. And I need it good for the next 9-10 months.
I spoke to my aunt. She asked my about the results. It was like everything, everyone around wanted me to check the result. Got an SMS from the institute informing me that the results were out. Received a mail informing me on the same. However, I was determined not to check the results until evening. Now I must admit, all day, it was on my mind. I was asking myself, "What could the outcome be like?", "What if I dont make it through? Would it mean I am so not meant for this?", "What if I made it? Would I go in for resignation? ","What if I dont make it? I informed my reporting manager that I was heading for an interview to make it to a B-School. I would be so clueless if it dint work out". And a whole lot of mixed emotions. I recollected the moment when my dad walked in and asked me 3-4 days prior to 31st May, " Beta when are Welingkar results expected to be out? Are you going to take it should you make it through?" I dint answer. I simply dismissed him sayin,"We'll see dad". I know I wasnt being honest to him. Deep down, I wanted that admission. I was desperate. Desperate for a change.
I was mentally preparing myself. Some part of me kept telling me, that I would make it. I would try hard to dismiss that feeling. But it kept coming back. I stuck to 1 hour of my timetable. Worked on BRM's for geometry and Mensuration. Spent an hour washing the car. Dropped my mom at a function, visited the temple. Clock was ticking. It was already 10 minutes to eight. I was in front of the monitor. Wanted to delay the moment as far as possible. The anxiety was rushing in. Continued delaying by checking my email, Orkut and more email.
I logged on to the site. Opened the tab for the results. Punched in my user id and DOB. Clicked. Anxiety reached its peak, I was intentionally delaying the outcome by reading the instructions in the page. The page navigated to the next page. In a couple of seconds, I could feel my pulse slow down. It was another reject. I had not converted my call to the WE School. I sit there for a while, trying to get to fit into reality. It was hard to absorb. I was disappointed. I checked the result again, thinking I may have punched in the wrong key. Result was the same. I was down. I walked out, to watch television. It was the second semifinal of DLF-IPL between Punjab and Chennai. That was not on my mind though.
Now. I was lost. I dint have a plan. Everything was vague. My current job was not challenging. I was not growing or learning. I felt like I dint know where to head. I knew that whatever the outcome be, the path would be tough. And I would need a lot of strength. Loads of it. Now, I feel I will need a lot more than what I anticipated. If I had to repeat the entire process of admission just to prepare for the exam in November this year, I knew I had to be different. I had to be different from what I have been, what I have done. I have to bring a lot of changes & changes for the better to bring in that one change that I am desperate for. To bring this desperation to being a need. I knew to work for this "I had to change first". It has all been so easy for me. I will have to work like I have never before. I have 5 months from here. I need to make the best out of these. I need a plan. Plan with sufficient research and resources. I will have to work on a fine one. Build a process such that I will benefit myself in both ways, my career as well as my ambitions. I dint want this to be a Road to Perdition. I have never experienced frustration like this. Walking out of this by simply ignoring would mean I have simply opted the easy way out. Which would mean, that I am throwin away the oppurtunity to learn more. To experience the pain in changing myself. To evolve and to grow. Should I walk out of this again, and walk out successfully, I will be different. I will have to change a lot of things. My time management, resist temptation, remain focussed, be relentless, persevere, be assiduous and learn to relax.
For now, I am dissappointed. I need to start somewhere. Be different. I have a personal life as well to focus on. There is another person who depends on me. I need to work along with her and ensure things dont go sour through this phase. I need strength. And I need it good for the next 9-10 months.
Labels: Down on Earth
posted by Sweet Pain at
7:39 AM
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